Monday, 30 December 2013

Goodbye 2013

Never have I ever been so pleased to see the end of a year before, 2013 has been my own Annus Horribilis and tomorrow evening I'll be celebrating the fact that I've survived.

For me, the resounding question of 2013 has been 'why me' why have I been dealt these cards and why at this time, terribly self pitying I'm sure you'll agree. From this though I've discovered hidden traits - I'm stronger than I ever imagined, with more passion and determination surging through me than I ever realised was possible. I'm not stupid enough to think I'm in recovery but I am wise enough to know that I can fight, that I don't have to roll over and submit.

This blog has helped me through my low points, but don't get me wrong there have been some fantastic highs this year too. From the birth of my beautiful niece in February to celebrating my first wedding anniversary in June, there has been plenty happening to keep a tentative smile on my face. Ana tried to take those happy times from me, and almost succeeded, but she didn't. I allowed myself to be happy and to celebrate and boy did it feel good!

For me 2013 has been about powering through, knowing that eventually it would end. Learning that relapsing is ok so long as it spurs me on to fight harder. Accepting my flaws and celebrating my strengths. Last year I made a bunch of New Years resolutions all of which I thought would make me happy, today I make only one - to make 2014 the year of me.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Editing life

Therapy sessions are never fun, they force us to delve into our subconscious and reveal all those idiosyncrasies we try so hard to keep hidden away. There are no secrets, no edited pasts, our true selves are on display for a stranger to analyse and make sense of.

I must admit I found therapy hard at first, talking so intimately with a stranger was completely out of my comfort zone, as the weeks have progressed I've found then comforting, they are a place for me to talk about how I really feel without fear of upsetting anyone. Therapy has made me realise how much of myself I edit in order to please other people. A glance at my Facebook page reveals little of my current struggles, little of the anxiety and the battles I fight every day - there life is peachy, a perfect snapshot. On twitter I am more open, I find it easier to share my feelings, perhaps because it's to people who understand my battles, who can offer support and advice to keep me going. Even here on my blog, a place where I can truly be myself I still find myself editing life, I don't write about arguments with my husbands, disagreements with friends etc... I wonder why I find it so hard to be truly honest with myself? Has ana played her nastiest trick yet? Am I simply unable to see all the good because I am drowning in the murky waters below, I hope not, desperately. 

My life isn't perfect of course it isn't, but it is pretty damn good. Having an eating disorder is (unfortunately) part of me, a part that will never go away, so I have to learn to embrace it, to overcome, to shout proudly from the rooftops that I am a fighter. Therapy has taught me to listen to myself, to not beat myself up for imagined failures but to celebrate the positives. From here on in I have made a promise to myself to stop editing, to record my life as it is warts and all, after all what is the point of creating a reminder of life if it isn't my life?

Thursday, 28 November 2013


Thanksgiving may not be an English tradition, but I see no harm in spending a day celebrating all the things I have to be thankful for. So here goes, here is a list of some of the things I am thankful for this year:

Stuart, Family, Friends, Coffee, Sunshine, Autumn Colours, Flowers, Candles, Films, Books, Letters, Surprise Mail, Sunday afternoons on the sofa, Dance, Surprises, Smiles, Cosy PJs, Health.

I'm sure there are lots more that will come to me!!

Wednesday, 27 November 2013


Dear Readers,

I never wanted this blog to become a place of negativity but today I desperately need to reach out for help. As you all know my path to recovery has been treacherous, I have great days and not so great days but I always know in my heart that I am heading in the right direction - however over the last few days I have felt myself losing a grip on reality and now I need help/advice on how to get myself back onto the right track.

Up until this point in my recovery I have been making steady process, sure I have been blinded with insecurity along the way but deep in my heart I have known that things are getting better. Now I have a new insecurity, one that has the potential to destroy me - I have developed a hatred for feeling full, whether that be from food or liquid. I hate the fullness, I hate how it makes me feel and I hate how much I detest myself for being full. I have to be honest and admit that there have been times where I have thought about purging the only reason that I haven't ventured down this path is because of my overwhelming fear of being sick, but the fact that the thought has popped into my mind absolutely terrifies me. I am scared that one day I won't be this strong, that the ED will override me and that I will succumb to this new demon.

So my question to you is how do I move forward form this point? How do I keep myself moving forward and ignore the new demon on my shoulder?

Monday, 25 November 2013

Autumn leaves

Last Tuesday I was feeling miserable, everything had got on top of me and I felt ready to give up. Then on a walk to work I suddenly woke up and saw just how beautiful the world around me is, the sun was warm but it was a crisp autumnal afternoon and I couldn't help but take some photos. 

Just stopping to appreciate the colours and stillness around me was enough to lift me out of my bad mood. Autumn is a time for change, a chance to shake off the old leaves and began the preparation of making new ones, if nature can do it I'm sure I can give it a go!

Wednesday, 13 November 2013


A year ago I was out of control, my anxiety was gathering momentum and my eating was non existent, no one asked me what was wrong because no one knew - I had become an expert at painting a face on and pretending everything was ok. A year later, with my anxiety under control thanks to medication, I am able to reflect. Sure my husband being away didn't help, but that wasn't it. I spent my days teaching, talking to parents and children and menial topics, but they aren't my friends/family so I could hardly open up to them. I arrived home to a cold, dark, empty house during the week, often late at night so I would go straight to bed. I had no one to talk too and no one to reassure me that I was doing ok. Stupidly I didn't even tell Stuart what I was feeling because I didn't want him worrying when he was away.
Now I know that I need to talk, to vent my worries, my anger and frustration, it's ok to feel alone but it's not ok to let the anxiety win. I'm not yet in a place where my GP feels she can reduce my tablets, so I am aware that the way I'm feeling right now might not be 'me', but I'm well on the way to winning the fight. A year ago I never believed I would feel like this, who knows where I may be this time next year.

Friday, 8 November 2013


You know what's really hard - constantly feeling disappointed. I'm either disappointed with myself for eating or angry because I haven't eaten which leaves other people feeling disappointed. I am a people pleaser by nature, I very rarely say no and I will do everything in my power to make the people around me happy. I know they'd be ecstatic if I just ate normally, if I woke up one morning back to the old carefree Gemma, I hate that I'm struggling to do the one thing that would please them most. 

I recently had an argument with myself about this very blog, by sharing with you my battles I am inviting you into my life, very often I am overwhelmed by the support you give me and yet I am aware that you want me to get better, by writing here that I am struggling I somehow feel like I am letting you down too. The obvious answer is that I stop writing about the eating disorder but to me that seems like a lie, if I can't be completely true to myself here where can I be? Besides it feels like you guys have become my cheerleaders, you encourage me, support me and remind me constantly that I will get better. So this battle continues... 

The biggest disappointment I face is myself. I often find myself wondering how I ended up on the path - I have spent my whole life surrounded with love - I never dreamt that one day food would become my energy. I hate that I can't bring myself to prepare porridge (it's porridge for crying out loud) because the ED says it's bad but I am disappointed that her voice is winning. Man my brain is all kinds of messed up, it's no wonder that I feel so tired! 

I am in turmoil dear readers, to win this war I need to eat and continue to eat for the rest of my life, if I can't manage to eat one proper meal without feeling disappointed how can I get better? If I don't get better than how will I survive knowing I'll be disappointing all the people I hold near to my heart?

My words to live by right now. Thank you Martin Luther King Jr.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013


Last night, whilst lying in bed not sleeping, I started thinking about the reasons why I blog. Yes it will be nice in the future to look back and see how far I have come and how much I developed as a person, yes I enjoy being able to write down my thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement, but much more than that I want to inspire someone. I want someone to read my jumbled up thoughts and realise that they are not alone, to know that I understand how they are feeling, for them to know that it is ok to reach out and ask for help. 

For a long time I felt alone, I thought I was alone, that no-one else could possibly understand how I felt, I mean I didn't understand so there was no way I could explain to someone else. My brain was a bunch of contradictions which I could not begin to fathom out. Even now - a year down the line, with a body pumped full of anti anxiety tablets and weekly therapy sessions to help me figure out what is going on - I still don't know how to unravel the thoughts in my head. I have discovered that it is ok to be scared, that it is ok to ask for help, thanks to twitter I have a network of support that I never believed could exist. Complete strangers send me messages to make sure I am ok, they reassure me when I am in the middle of a bad day and they are there to congratulate me when things go well, I have no words to express my thanks and gratitude to them but I will be eternally grateful for those kind strangers who have rescued me from myself.

So dear reader, you may be reading this because you have followed my blog from the start (thanks!!) or you may have stumbled across this post at a time when you feel alone, I want to tell you that you aren't, there are people out there who want to help, who will help and who won't judge no matter what you have to tell them. Remember what you have overcome in the past, the obstacles you have conquered and know that I BELIEVE IN YOU. I am nowhere near recovered but I am so much further along than I was a year ago, yes it is hard, yes there are days when I don't want to get out of bed, when I don't want to fight anymore, but I know that one day I will get there, you will too. Believe in yourself.


Tuesday, 5 November 2013


I may not be taking big steps in the right direction yet but I am taking small baby steps towards a complete recovery. Each day I discover another obstacle in the way but I am learning that I don't always have to smash it down in order to be successful, I can walk around it or tiptoe over it as long as I don't ignore it then I am taking a step in the right direction.

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

A hole in my heart

I have a good life, anxiety and the ed aside, I have an incredible family, amazing friends, a loving husband and a job I adore and yet there is something missing. A year ago I drifted apart from a person who I loved on every possible level, a friend who had supported me through my endo diagnosis, bad break ups, new boyfriends, an engagement and a wedding. I never ever thought it would be possible for us to not be a part of each other's lives. We have made tentative steps towards rebuilding a friendship but nothing substantial. 
Over 27 years I have drifted apart from many people, the friends I have left are the ones who truly know and support me, yet for some reason I can't let this friendship go. Something deep inside me is telling me that this isn't the end for us, that there is something more. I don't know how to move forwards, I'm terrified of getting hurt but leaving things as they are will ultimately mean she is no longer a part of my life. 

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

My tree

It starts off as an innocuous thought somewhere deep in my subconscious, a thought I can't even begin to vocalise because I don't know what it is. It's clever though, it plants a seed which takes root and eventually spreads into my conscious mind telling me no. No you don't need food, no that person doesn't want to talk to you, no you don't look good - you get the picture. This one thought, that I had absolutely no control over, has left me living in the shadow of its branches, a spectacular tree which I have watered and nurtured over many months has now become such a part of me that it's hard to let go, but let go I must.
As I wandered through the leaves and branches which the recent storm had covered the local path with I was struck by the realisation that all my tree of doubt needed was a damn good shake. I can't get rid of my tree with one shake, but I can stop nurturing it, I can listen to my therapist and slowly but surely add more food to my safe list, I can listen to my husband when he tells me I look good, I can believe that I will get better. 
My tree has drained me of the believe that I deserve to be here, as it had grown I have shrunk, now is the time to fight back. I deserve to be living, I have a right and a reason to be here. I may not yet know what my purpose in life is but I know I have one and I know that this eating disorder is not the end for me. 

Wednesday, 9 October 2013


Somewhere deep inside me there a monster, she (for some reason it's a she and not a he, maybe because girls are bitchier) shouts at me that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not thin enough, not ill enough. Every day she is there, an invisible enemy that is draining me, I am fighting a battle that feels extreme and hard. I desperately battle to keep her voice at bay, listening to music helps as it keeps my mind from wandering off to find her, yet she is strong. She has been patiently waiting for me to slip back into get grasp again and now she is victorious.

A few short weeks ago I was doing well, I was blocking her out and winning my battle with food, then I got tired, my body feeling the strain of dancing 6 days a week and boom she was back. 

I am still fighting, I am determined not to let her win. For the first time in my life I don't want to be the best at something, after all the best anorexics end up dead.

Monday, 7 October 2013

Where am I from?

This question has been playing on my mind quite a lot recently and I honestly don't know how to answer it. There is the obvious answer that I am from my mom and dad, that my body and genes are a mash up of there's which have created me - a randomly unique person, but my thinking goes deeper than that. Where does my anxiety come from? Why can I not deal with arguments? Why am I so sarcastic? Some of these traits can be ticked off by simply looking at my dad and his mom (my nan), put us in a room together and it is strikingly obvious just how similar we are. Then there are the genes from my mom, the way we both desperately want to please others often at our own expense, the need to be liked and the hidden shyness. I like that I am a blend of people, but recently I've hit a rock. My mom was adopted, and I've become somewhat conflicted about where I am from. My paternal grandfather was black - I can thank him for my dark hair, the skin-tone that can make people assume I am from anywhere in Europe and my ability to tan in an instance. I don't know who he is or what he looks like, same with my paternal grandmother and this is where my thinking begins. Is anxiety something I could trace back through them, I wonder if there was a history of eating disorders or an overwhelming desire to please others, of course I'll never know the answers to these questions and that for me right now leaves a gaping hole in my thoughts. I am beginning to understand exactly who I am, but I may never know the reasons why I am me.


It struck me recently that we are rarely ever alone, even when we are overwhelmed with loneliness. I love having my own time - having space to read, write or daydream, however I normally have tetley to accompany me, yes he may be a cat but I still talk to him about life! Even last year when Stuart was away I still wasn't alone, I spent my days with the children I was teaching, evenings chatting to Stuart, my mom and various friends and yet I was lonely.

Is loneliness just something we have invented? In a world where we are able to be connected with anyone all over the world in an instant how is it possible to be lonely? I found myself wondering if it was selfish to feel lonely, after all there are people in this world who have absolutely nothing. 

Feeling alone is horrible, my eating disorder relishes in making me feel like I have no one at all, and yet I do. I am surrounded by a loving family, friends and hugely supportive bloggers, loneliness has no place in my life.

Friday, 27 September 2013

Words To Live By

Found this quote on Pinterest last night and thought it was something that I could do with remembering! Where better to put it than on my blog which has become my sounding board for everything, ladies and gentlemen the Dalai Lama presents my new words to live by:

Wednesday, 25 September 2013


Oh Asda, how I love your bargain deals, your George clothes and the fact that you are normally cheaper than my go to supermarket. Tonight though asda you have lost yourself a customer. I myself suffer from a mental illness, more than one in fact, and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with this fact and even longer to realise how much stigma is attached to me and others. I'm not sure who decided in that marketing meeting that it was ok to realise a costume depicting a 'mental health patient' clutching a plastic meat cleaver covered in blood yet somehow not only was it agreed on it was actually made. Below there is a picture of the costume and me - a real life mental health patient, I'm pretty sure there aren't many comparisons to be made. Asda this is in exceptionally poor taste and I (and many others) will be imploring you to rectify the situation immediately.

Down and almost out

The past week has been tough, the eating disorder has well and truly sucked the life out of me. I've become used to sailing through life in a bit of a mist recently however things have taken a turn for the worst. I seem to have lost my feelings - I am incapable of feeling anything well except for anger and frustration, those feelings are well and truly showing their ugly faces. 

Since the anxiety first reared it's head I have prided myself on being able to carry on working, I have painted a smile on my face every day for the past year, gritted my teeth and kept on going and now I find I can't. For the past couple of weeks I've lost the love I have for work, I am struggling to get myself motivated, my brain is a fog of mixed up thoughts. I so desperately want to be moving forward with my treatment yet I'm not sure how, I want to scream and cry and shout but I have spent so long behind my mask that I now can't escape. 

This eating disorder has taken so much of my life I am determined to not let it take anymore, however I am reaching out to you for ideas on how I can pull myself out of the stupor I have found myself in. Any and all ideas welcome.

Monday, 16 September 2013

A ramble

I have battled long and hard with myself about giving you a name, but why would I do that, I want you out of my life not to invite you in to invade more of my body. For far too long I have felt your presence, like an uninvited pest you appear at the worst possible times, sapping my energy, destroying my positivity and gnawing away at the little self confidence I have left. To anyone looking in my life probably seems perfect - I have a job I love, incredible family and friends and a husband who I love more than I ever thought possible, meet me anywhere and I'll probably have a smile on my face, a friendly word to say and a spring in my step, but look beneath that. Does my smile ever reach my eyes, can I accept your compliment, no.

I feel worthless, beyond help. I cannot accept just how ill I am because I am able to go about my life, I live on nervous energy, I am consumed by self doubt and crippled with insecurities, this will come as no shock to other sufferers I'm sure we all feel like this, but it will come a massive surprise to a lot of people who are close to me. I have an impenetrable mask, one that never slips, regardless of what is happening in my head I rarely let anyone in. That is why this blog is so important to me, it is the one place where I feel I can be myself, I am hidden behind this laptop, I can cry and pour my heart out here, yet by the time it is published I am healed - the mask is back.

Every single day is hard. From deciding what I will allow myself to eat, when I can eat and how I will avoid eating in certain situations, food is never far from my thoughts. I obsessively collect recipes so that I can cook scrumptious meals for my husband and send him to work with all kinds of baked goods, yet very rarely will I allow myself to sample any of them. I love food I just hate what I think it does to my body.

I am weak, I find myself giving in to you all the time and it infuriates me that you can control me so easily, but the day is coming when I will be strong enough to fight back.

Why I Blog

Last night I was following with interest a discussion on twitter about blogging, there seemed to be many people saying that they would stop following/reading a blog if it was filled with too much negativity. I don't blog for other people, I blog for myself, but that doesn't mean I want to turn people away. I am very aware that this blog has become a place for me to vent, to express my feelings about my battle with an Eating Disorder, a place to celebrate my successes but also to mourn the times I feel like a failure. Does that make my blog one of the unpopular ones?

I am not going to change my blog in order to please a nameless few who feel that a blog should be a celebration of all the good that is going on in the world. I am going through a tough time at the minute and this blog serves as a reminder to me to keep on fighting. I receive so many messages of support from people who are secretly battling their own demons, for that reason I will keep on being honest, I will keep on sharing my voice and hopefully inspire other people to fight too.

Friday, 6 September 2013


You picked me because you think I'm weak,
You picked me because I'm scared,
You are the one I battle,
The one who's always there.

You brought me comfort,
You brought control,
You changed my life,
Confused my goals.

But now I'm getting stronger,
I see the error in your ways,
You are not the friend I needed,
More an enemy in disguise.

I will not let you beat me,
I will not let you win,
I will not let you take my life,
I'm tougher than you think.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

The Pyjama Store

I don't know about you but I love a good pair of pyjamas, nine times out of ten as soon as I get home I am straight into my pyjamas or loungewear, so you can imagine my excitement when I was invited to the pyjama store event on Wednesday evening. The event was held at the beautiful Millennium Hotel located on Grosvenor Square so of course I couldn't resist sitting in the park with a coffee before hand - London on a hot summers evening really is beautiful.

I wasn't too sure what to expect from the event, I went stag and although I was concerned I might be stuck on the periphery I needn't have worried, as soon as I walked in the lovely Claire from Lucy Dartford PR introduced herself (FYI she was wearing the cutest dress!) and handed me a glass of champagne, from then on the night was lovely. After meeting some fellow bloggers we spent most of the evening gossiping, drinking champagne and lusting over beautiful pyjamas.

Having great pyjamas does come at a cost though - isn't that always the way - however I can confirm that they were easily the softest pyjamas I have come across. I have to admit I don't spend a fortune on PJs, most often purchasing from La Senza, Primark or Stuarts wardrobe, I have now seen the error of my ways! No longer will I wear PJs that aren't matching, I am determined to become one of those ladies who looks glamorous even at bed time!

Glorious London evening.

Fellow Bloggers StaceyLizzie, myself and Georgina.

Fallen a little bit in love with the black dressing gown.

Love, love, love the print on these.

Fell in love with these two outfits for my Nephew and Niece!

Tuesday, 3 September 2013


August is one of my favourite months for lots of reasons, although mostly it's because both Stuart and I get to celebrate our birthdays. As we were both off work for 4 weeks we have been able to spend lots of time with each other and reconnect with our aims and goals together. Some days we did absolutely nothing at all and other days we fitted lots into a short space of time. We have been lucky enough to be gifted with memberships to both the English Heritage and the National Trust as birthday presents so we are looking forward to doing more exploring thanks to those. I've missed blogging but I have started a journal which I write in every night before bed, I find it helps refocus my mind and get rid of the negative thoughts that were plaguing me most evenings. I am excited to get back into blogging more though :)

A countryside walk

Birthday flowers from my parents

Birthday Champagne

Sweating after a game of badminton 

Chocolate coated strawberries and drinks



At the top of a very blustery hill

Friday, 23 August 2013


Today a friend of mine is getting married - a friend who was there when I said my vows, a friend who was there through break ups and new relationships, tears and laughter. I am not at the wedding, not because I don't want to be but because I am not invited, bridges have been burnt and although I have tried to reconcile my efforts have been in vain. I won't be there to watch her walk down the aisle, or see her promise to love her new husband through the good times and the bad, I wont see them dance, or toast the happy couple. Instead I will be here, thinking about them both, sending them all the love in the world and then some. Sure we may not speak anymore but that doesn't stop a part of my heart from belonging to her.

A & K I wish you all the happiness and love in the world xxx

Tuesday, 20 August 2013


I am trying so hard believe me I am, I don't want this blog to be somewhere where all I do is complain but I'm just not sure I am coping all that well at the minute. It is easy for me to paint a smile on my face, often behind a mask of foundation, to pretend that everything is ok but deep down it really isn't. I count calories obsessively - I can't allow myself to go above a certain amount each day no matter how hungry I become. I exercise, not for the buzz it gives me but because I know I am burning fat. I am constantly cold, I can't sleep, my body feels every knock, I am covered in bruises, I am full of self loathing and every single day I fight a battle no one else can see.

I feel like a failure, I wanted to be able to document my victory against my eating disorder, but right now I'm not winning, I am failing miserably. I am cranky, my moods are up and down - my poor husband doesn't know if he is coming or going. I want to fight with everything I have but at the minute my eating disorder is stronger than me.

Every time I pick the lowest calorie food available or I go without food I let myself down, I let Stuart down, I let down my friends and family and most importantly of all I let down all those people who believe I can be stronger, who believe I can fight and who believe I will get better. All I can do is promise to keep trying, promise to keep fighting and promise to be the best that I can be.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

Attention Seeking?

Since I have revealed all about my ongoing battle with an eating disorder I have been inundated with messages thanking me for being so open and honest about what I am going through, these messages bring me a great source of comfort and support, in times of need I am able to look back at the messages and I am given a strength I never knew I had, however I have also had messages accusing me of attention seeking, this got me wondering - can you be too honest sometimes?

I tweet and blog for myself, to keep in touch with friends and to connect with other people who have similar interests to me. Sure recently my tweets have been a bit too blunt and to the point recently, but they have been documenting my struggle, a struggle that I have shared on twitter since the very beginning of this year. By contrast my facebook page is surprisingly eating disorder free, there have been a couple of links back to this blog but there are no status updates about my feelings, lack of food etc... Why do I find it so easy to share my inner most thoughts and feelings with strangers and not with friends?

I have a couple of theories to answer both questions, firstly for me on twitter and on here I am able to be 'myself'. I am able to let people into the darkest crevices of my mind because (and this is the most important part) I don't know who is reading it at any given time, for all I know none of my friends read this blog or follow me on twitter so I feel I can speak more freely. My facebook page is shared with those people I know socially and professionally, whilst I know none of these people would judge me based on a mental health illness it still worries me beyond belief. This is an ongoing problem for me, I find it far too easy to put a face on and pretend everything is ok instead of facing up to the problems and confronting them head on. Can you be too honest, in my opinion no. Sharing my story and struggle has enabled other people to realise they are not alone, I have had messages from family, friends and complete strangers telling me their own stories, stories which in many cases have gone untold for a number of years.

I have been backwards and forwards with myself about whether I should continue using this blog to voice my own thoughts and feelings or whether I should bow down to those people who think over sharing means I am obviously seeking attention. After much deliberation I have decided to keep on going, I started this blog for me and there is noway I am going to let strangers manipulate me enough to stop doing something that gives me pleasure and an outlet for all the messed up, jumbled up thoughts in my head.

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog and has sent me messages of support, there are no words to express my gratitude towards you all.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

Hats, hats, hats

This week I have been searching for a way to make myself feel better, for me many of the things that used to bring me pleasure are now on the banned list - eating out, exercise, so I have rediscovered my love of a good hat. To me hats can hide a multitude of sins as well as making me feel glamourous. Some of the comments we got after venturing out in hats were hilarious - my mom likened us to the Beckhams (until Stuart wears a sarong i'm not too worried), we had comparisons to The Good Life, and my aunt even compared Stuart to my beloved grandpa!

Hat - Topshop
T-shirt - Primark
Skirt - Primark
Cardigan - Gok at Sainsburys

Cap - Ted Baker
T-shirt - Holister
Shorts - Republic
Watch - Armani

See, a hat can turn the normal into the glamourous!

Monday, 5 August 2013


This weekend it was my husbands birthday so we had a few people round for a BBQ to celebrate, my sister in law brought along my adorable nephew and niece and like a bolt of lightening it hit me - I really want a baby. I've always wanted a family, but it was something that was way off in the future, I didn't want a baby straight after getting married because I wanted to be selfish and have Stuart to myself for a couple of years first. In my head there were things I wanted to achieve in life before becoming a mommy - I wanted us to own our own house, to have had amazing holidays that were just for us, to see the world, to have firm ideas where our careers were heading, but I realised this weekend that we can still do all those things just with a baby in tow. We both love to travel and sure we would have to take more luggage but what child doesn't want to experience new things?

I know having a baby isn't going to be that easy, not only do I already have a diagnosis of Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovaries to deal with, I also have the eating disorder. Its not simply a case of jumping into bed together and then 9 months later giving birth to a baby who is the perfect blend of us both. I need to have regular periods - something that hasn't happened since I was 21, I need my body to able to support not only me but also a baby who would rely on me for everything. At the minute I can barely look after myself let alone support a growing baby too, but I figured that I need a goal, I need my eating disorder to know that I want something more than I need her in my life.

Is having a baby going to be hard, you bet your life it is. At the minute I struggle to let my husband see me naked, let alone have sex with me - the way I understand it sex is important in the baby making process!! I have a fear of gaining any weight at all, my life is controlled by calories and food and how I am going to make it through each day without 'being greedy'. I don't want to get older and discover that the eating disorder has ruined my chances of conceiving, I know there is a chance that my body is already damaged beyond repair, but I really believe that I am destined to have children. If I can't conceive naturally then I want to adopt - but again I need to be able to prove that I can take care of myself before I can be responsible for another human being.

I am not going to let my eating disorder ruin any more of my life, I need to stop letting her win battles, I need to learn how to block her voice out, I need to remember that every time I give into her I am pushing that baby further away,

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

The long and winding road

I've never been the sort of person who just spontaneously plans a trip (I'd love to be that person it's just not in my psyche). When I set off on a journey I like to have a good idea in my head of where I am going and how long it will take to get there, maybe this is why I am finding recovery so hard. It doesn't come with a set of directions to follow, it isn't nicely gift wrapped. Recovery is an unknown journey for me, the only certainty is that by the end of it i'll be the one thing I am scared of most in this world, heavier.

People have the misconception that recovery is simply a case of eating more but it really is so much deeper than that. I am having to learn to ignore those voices that tell me food is bad, that enjoying food is greedy. I didn't stop eating because I wanted to thinner, I don't think the skeletal look is an attractive one, I stopped eating to gain some sort of control over my life as I went spiralling into the depths of anxiety. I aspire to have a body like the athletes I cheered on at last years Olympics - strong and functional.

My problem with food goes way back to my early teens, a time when I was suddenly conscious of my body (puberty is a bitch for everyone!) I had aspirations of becoming a ballet dancer, I worked my body hard and then I pushed it even further, I was a typical 'bun head' I lived to be in the dance studio and on stage. My friends were starting to have periods and mine were still absent, I was desperately trying to fit in at school and yet I was different - I knew what I wanted to do, I didn't go out to parties as there was always a dance class I wanted to go to more, I wasn't interested in boys, I wanted good grades and I worked hard to get them. These things singled me out and in an attempt to blend in (or disappear) I controlled my food. This means my eating disorder has been a part of my life for 13 years. Whenever anything has gone badly for me I've coped by restricting my diet, this isn't turned around by simply eating more - if only it was. I need to learn to make choices based on what I want to eat rather than what is the lowest in calories. I need to learn that my self worth isn't measured by how little I've eaten, I need to learn to take control and fight back.

Recovery doesn't come with a set of directions, every single person who is recovering from an eating disorder will be on a different path to mine, one that throws up different challenges. Every step I take is taking me further away from my comfort zone and deeper into the unknown. Is it hard? You bet your life it is, but I have never been so determined to fight in my life.

Monday, 29 July 2013


I don't know about you guys but I seem to spend a large amount of my time shaving, this probably has something to do with my refusal to wear trousers and the fact that when I am teaching I wear strappy tops. Until recently I was spending a huge amount of money each month on razor blades - I'm a bit of a fuss pot as soon as I think a blade needs to be changed it gets changed, using this logic (?!) I tend to get through a blade a week, then my hubby happened to find out about a King of Shaves offer.

King of Shaves is the brain child of Will King, in 1993 he invented the worlds first shaving oil to minimise the pain and irritation he was left with after shaving. 20 years later KoS is a worldwide company offering razors, blades, oils, serums and gels for both men and women (the Queen of Shaves). My first experience of KoS was when my husband brought me one of their razors:

I have to be honest the design fascinated me but also left me a little confused - they look nothing like the razors I have been using for the majority of my life and I don't like change. What a revelation then when I used it for the first time - no tugging on the skin, no cuts, just an amazingly close shave that left my legs feeling wonderful. From that very first shave I was hooked!!

This blog post isn't about a razor though, it is about a subscription that KoS offer - in my opinion it is one of the best things I have ever signed up for. For £4 a month you can have 4 blades delivered to your door, once a month, every month!! I have to admit I am maybe a little bit in love with my razor - it even floats in the bath, for someone who is ridiculously clumsy this means that I can never lose it!

To sign up for the subscription simply go here. I promise you it will be one of the best things you do :)

 Small print - I purchased the above product myself and have not been asked to write a review I jut wanted too!

Friday, 26 July 2013

Friday Letters #031

Woohoo it is finally Friday! This week feels like it has been dragging on for weeks, whilst I am loving having some time off work I am actually starting to get a little bit bored of my own company. With this is mind I have decided to get my craft on and sort out our back garden - so far I have ideas for jam jar candle holders, spray painting branches of our old tree to hang home made bunting on and lots more ideas - cannot wait!!

Dear Twitter - Why are my strangest and old tweets suddenly being favourited left right and centre?! 
Dear Facebook - I am starting to get a little bit bored of you, debating deleting my account but then again how would I fill those random minutes looking at other peoples pictures?
Dear Coffee - I love you!! Looking forward to learning more about you and discovering the secret of making excellent coffee every time.
Dear E.D - You think I'm not strong, you think you can beat me? There are days when you win and then there are others when I know I can fight you no matter what, hopefully those days will start becoming the norm for me.
Dear R - Thank you for thinking you can confide in me, I love you and I am here for you whenever you need me xxx
Dear Felicity - You are the greatest friend a girl could wish for, you have picked me up more times than I can remember and I know you are there whenever I need you. xxx
Dear Stuart - You rock!! That is all xxxx

I hope you all have a great weekend xxx

Thursday, 25 July 2013


It's not very often that a company genuinely shocks me but today O2 have done just that. My phone bill was overdue and as a result a bar had been placed on my phone - not a problem when I am in the house as we have wifi so I was able to keep in touch with everyone thanks to iMessage. Later this afternoon though I have another counselling appointment, I had texted my husband panicking that something might happen and I would have no way of being able to contact him (or anyone else for that matter). Stuart rang O2 and explained the situation to them and the nice person at O2 agreed to lift the bar for me so that I can leave the house without worrying.
This is a huge deal for me, chances are I won't need to use my phone later, but thanks to O2 I know that I can, as a result I feel less panicky and am ready to face the world.

Thank you O2, not only for excellent customer service but also for understanding mental illness - if only there were more companies like you. FYI - my bill is now paid!!

Monday, 22 July 2013

Happiness is...

I feel as though this blog has been all doom and gloom recently so I am going to try and rectify that by posting the things in my life that make me uncontrollably happy.

These Guys:

They never fail to make me smile, they love a good cuddle and they fill my afternoons with giggles following their antics. This is them listening intently to my neighbour getting home in the hope that they would get a fuss from her!


Thanks to it being the end of the school year I have been generously gifted with lots of thank you flowers. The are currently making my house smell amazing and they never fail to make me smile whenever I look at them :)

Blue Skies:

I am sure that I was designed to live somewhere hot, as soon as the sun comes out I instantly feel more energetic and happier. Long live the blue skies we currently have.

This Guy:

The love of my life, my best friend and the person who is keeping me stitched together at the minute :)

Sunset Walks:

This picture was taken during a recent trip to Whitstable, I love nothing more than sitting on the pebbly beach, listening to the waves crashing, it is a perfect place to just lose yourself in the moment.

There are many many more things that are keeping my spirits up at the minute, including you guys for all the messages of support you have sent both on here at over at twitter.