Thursday, 10 March 2016

She's back

Maybe she isn't the same as before but ana is back, I have failed and let her back in, what started out as a gentle whisper in my ear has now become an almost impossible to ignore voice telling me I am not good enough and the worst thing is I am starting to believe her,

The fear of not being enough is overwhelming, I have attempted to prove her wrong and every time I have succeeded only in making things worse, not just for me but those I love most too. I am scared, scared that I am not strong enough, scared that she will worm her way back into my life, scared that she is still there, scared about what will become of me. I am 29 years old for goodness sake and yet here I am sitting at a laptop with tears pouring down my face, emotionally exhausted from trying to hold it together.

I chase perfection in myself and when I don't achieve it I either exercise or stop eating. My sense of worth is so wrapped up in how 'perfect' I am (or not as the case may be) that I am destined to never succeed. I push myself to breaking point in every aspect of my life - I want to be the perfect friend, partner, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, auntie the list is endless and exhausting. To me failure is not an option, yet I seem to be messing up at every turn and all that does is prove that 'she' is correct.

I so desperately don't want her to be a part of my life, I honestly don't want to go back to the place I was, yet at the same time I honestly don't know how to stop myself being led down the all familiar path.

Fighting is exhausting, chasing perfection is exhausting.

Right now the only positive I can see is that I am aware of how I am feeling, I am determined to succeed in this battle, I have done it once so there is no reason why I can't do it again.

4 comments:

  1. It's interesting just how much you and I are alike. I understand all too well the never-ending battle for perfection. If you ever want someone to talk to, who knows what you're going through, I'd be happy to chat. :) Be strong.

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    1. Thank you - would be good to connect xx

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  2. Poor you. I hope you're getting help. Seeing your sentence about wanting to be the perfect partner, daughter, sister etc reminded me of finding a note my daughter wrote in her diary when she was a young teenager, it said exactly the same thing. She too went on to become anorexic/bulimic. Have you read Bulima Help by Richard and Ali Kerr? I know you're not bulimic but I think you might find it interesting and helpful.

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    1. I've not read the book but will definitely look it up, thank you for the recommendation. I hope your daughter is doing ok xx

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